


This Too Shall Pass

by nohyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 08:35:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14766194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nohyuck/pseuds/nohyuck
Summary: Three days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno felt like he was going to lose his mind.





	This Too Shall Pass

**Author's Note:**

> [♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU9JoFKlaZ0): wake me up when september ends - green day

Three days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno felt like he was going to lose his mind. His sense of reality collapsed the moment he got the call from Doyoung that Jaemin won’t be waking up any longer— that the love of his life with eyes as dark as the midnight sky will never shine like the stars they encased. That the boy who smiled bright enough to ignite his soul will burn out the flame, extinguishing his glow. That the person who he saw spending his tomorrow with was a mere figment of yesterday that he won’t ever get back.

Six days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno does lose his mind. Hospitalized for over three more days, his best friends had their eyes locked on him, overusing visiting hours and bypassing the system to simply make sure Jeno was stable. They didn’t want to lose another friend; not like this. Not in this way. Jaemin would never forgive them if they let Jeno find the soul of his other half.

Twenty days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno still looked up at the clock and nearly anticipated the hours that the other would be home from classes so they can catch the latest movie that was just released— or head down to the tteokbeokki cart that the grandmother was monitoring.

Twenty one days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno threw a box nearly out the window of his apartment complex and trashed his entire residence, screams bouncing off the walls; every syllable crying out for someone that won’t be able to hear his pleas. It took a while, but Mark and Renjun finally managed to kick the door open before calling the cops, and Donghyuck wrapped Jeno up in his arms, shielding him away from the darkness that held hands with misery. Mark walked over to the box, and sucked in a breath. Jaemin’s university documentation, assignments, and letters of condolences from fellow colleagues were spilling from the shattered cardboard. As if the world was slowly giving back pieces of Jaemin to Jeno, but knowing it’ll never satisfy him. It wasn’t Jaemin.

Thirty six days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno woke up forgetting how the other smelt like. Fingers scrambling through clothing of blacks and whites, his nose buried itself into the crevices of his lover’s favourite red sweater, hugging it to his chest as if fooling himself that Jaemin would hold him back. It works for a while.

Forty days after Jaemin passed away, his smell faded.

Forty four days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno forgot the feeling of the other’s skin against his. Body aching in the worst way imaginable, Jeno curled himself into his bathtub and drew up the hottest water he could manage, hoping by some miracle it could be more painful than knowing he can never kiss Jaemin ever again. He can never hold his hand, or cup his face. He can never pinch his arms, or bop his nose. Trying to desperately remember kissing his soft lips. He can never, never, never. Not anymore.

Fifty six days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno stopped looking at the clock.

Seventy nine days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno went out with the others to grab something to eat during the evening. They stared at him when he asked if Jaemin was coming. He remembered, and lost his appetite.

Ninety two days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno slept dreamlessly. He cried the moment he woke up.

One hundred days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno went to visit him. The air was cold but the sun was beaming; the younger’s most favourite type of weather. Jeno found himself talking out loud as if Jaemin was sitting right in front of him, using extravagant hand gestures and laughed at particular memories to the point where he had to slap his thigh. When he only heard the echo of his voice in return, his smile disappeared. “I miss you… God, I miss you so much.”

Two hundred and fifteen days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno called him. Time and time again, Doyoung would tell him to cancel Jaemin’s phone plan, but it was the only resource Jeno had left that was still connected to the other. His voice message. Jeno swore he only listened to the message when it got bad, when he knew he won’t be able to sleep; he would only listen to it once.

Two hundred and seventeen days after Jaemin passed away, there were ninety four unanswered calls to Jaemin’s number, in that one day alone.

Two hundred and thirty eight days after Jaemin passed away, Mark cancelled Jeno’s phone plan instead.

Two hundred and seventy days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno couldn’t remember how Jaemin’s voice sounded. He shook so hard he passed out, and when he woke up again, there were bandages around his head and Doyoung gave him a look that had him sliding back underneath the blankets. It felt like shame trickling in from the sides of his mind, poisoning his blood and seeping into his bones. He shouldn’t be like this. He shouldn’t be, but he was, and he knew Jaemin won’t like it. Jaemin wasn’t there to begin with. He never was. Not after he left.

Two hundred and ninety two days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno goes out with Doyoung and Taeyong, getting wasted to the point of throwing up if the wind merely brushed a strand of hair in front of their eyes. He lost consciousness for at least two more days after the incident.

Three hundred days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno smiled for the first time when a little girl walked up to him and gave him her yellow balloon. She claimed that yellow was the colour of happiness, and there seemed to be a sadness in his eyes that she couldn’t help but feel disheartened too after gazing into them. Jeno smiled, because although his heart was still aching, someone finally said something that didn’t remind him of Jaemin at all. He thanked the little girl, and waved her parents’ apologies off when they fetched her away in haste. Jeno smiled when she turned around and shouted that she believed in him. He didn’t even believe in him — but it was nice to hear.

Three hundred and twenty four days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno went through eighteen hours of basic mundane activities without thinking of Jaemin once.

Three hundred and twenty nine days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno went through two days prior without thinking of Jaemin once. The red sweater was still perched on Jeno’s computer chair, but through the whirlwind of work, he mistook it as his own sweater multiple times. It was only when he picked it up did he remember.

Three hundred and thirty days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno put the sweater back in the drawers.

Three hundred and fifty five days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno asked the others to help him pack Jaemin away into bins and boxes, shipping most clothes and accessories to local clothing drives around the city. No one said a word when Jeno kept the red sweater on his bed, clear and away from getting packaged. It was simply understood that not everything can be taken from memory.

Three hundred and sixty days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno cried for the first time in a while, face buried into the material, seeing red and feeling empty. It was only when he calmed down did he realize the wounds didn’t hurt as much anymore. He was exhausted. and as he sat down with his mind cloudy over his mug of peppermint tea, he knew that was it. He knew that this was time telling him he’ll have to let go eventually, because his soul was so very tired and he couldn’t keep a hold on Jaemin for too long. Jaemin deserved freedom, and so did Jeno.

Three hundred and sixty five days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno visited him again. It was silent, clouds hovering from above, the sun playfully saying hello here and then. Jeno mused, chuckling into the wind while saying hello back — to both the rays and the heavens they shined upon, where an angel was looking down and smiling as he knew Jeno understood. Nodding as if hearing those thoughts, Jeno closed his eyes and sighed. “Continue to look over me, Jaemin-ah.”

Three hundred and sixty six days after Jaemin passed away, Jeno still found himself missing the younger but instead of waiting for a fleeting yesterday, he’ll guide his searching heart forward towards tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> i was kind of stuck in a d*pression loop and i wrote this just to cope... i am SO sorry nomin
> 
> please leave kudos and comments if you'd like !!


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